Sherlock Holmes [2010]

 

  Sherlock Holmes with kraken, dinosaurs and dragons? From Asylum? With a guy from Star Trek, even if it’s everyone’s least favourite, Enterprise? Yes, that’s right. Can it get better, or worse, since we’re talking about The Asyulm, and we’re talking about Dominic Keating who plays Lieutenant Malcolm Reed in Enterprise? Not that someone really cares for the movie, so let me spoil the whole Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes knockoff for you, just to let you see how ridiculous it is.

Sherlock and Dr. Watson

  We start by old Dr. Watson telling a story on his deathbed, on the eve of 1940 The Blitz. He says it’s the most unbelievable and strange (he wanted to say ridiculous) stories of all the Sherlock Holmes stories. Then we are thrown back at 1882 and are witnessing a crappy CGI kraken attack on a ship full of bad actors. Watson and Holmes visit the only survivor who tells them what happened, and Sherlock, againt his nature, believes immediately in a crazy man’s crazy story. Then another crappy CGI incident appears, in a most random scene I ever saw. A young man goes to a hooker, cleverly named Mrs. Pinchcock, and they are then and there, in some small London back alley, suddenly attacked by a dinosaur, which no one notices except for them. It’s a fucking dinosaur, roaming the streets of London, how can you not notice it. When Sherlock sees the account of the story in the newspaper, he immediately believes it.

Lame ass, no-good, crappy CG kraken attack

  Happily strolling through the park, Sherlock and Dr. Watson are attacked by a dinosaur, only to find out that he was not after them, he was just stealing a water pump from a nearby…water pumpery (?). A fucking dinosaur stole a fucking water pump. It’s a midget T-Rex dinosaur. How was he carrying the pump? With those arms? He can’t carry a water gun with those crappy arms, let alone a water pump. But he’s not done stealing things with those pathetic arms. When Sherlock visits some rubber factory (which by the way has electric light, and I don’t believe he had it, since it was a crappy factory in a crappy neighborhood, and the year is 1882, the very year electrical power was introduced to London) the factory is attacked by a dinosaur, who kills the owner, and blows up the factory. How he did that, I once again have no idea.

Do you see the arms?

  After some investigation they find the the dinosaur and the kraken in a warehouse, only to find put that they are rubber suits. But the ridiculous crap doesn’t end here. They are attacked by a fucking robot! After some weak sword-to-robot-arms fight, we discover the robot is a robot suit, and it’s operated by Sherlock’s long lost brother! Sherlock tries to attack his brother, and is shot by his brother’s female assistant. Dr. Watson attacks her, tries to choke her, but no, she’s a fucking robot, she can’t be chocked! Both of our heroes either dead or captured, Spring-Heeled Jack (Sherlock’s Brother) sends his robot assistant and lover (which makes him a robosexual I guess) with a bomb inside of her to Buckingham Palace to blow it up. While she’s at it, he takes his robodragon to burn London. And blast it with rockets, since his dragon can do it. But Sherlock is alive and well! And he goes after him in an air balloon, with propellers, and lame air battle commences. Stuff happens and the movie ends.

Robot suit

  Can you believe all this shit? Because it’s there. And you wouldn’t believe it, but it kinda boring. All this shit happening in hour and a half, but all the scenes are still dragged, characters are completely miscasted, except for Spring-Heeled Jack, who is so ridiculous that I can’t see how can he be miscasted anyways. His evil-speech-where-he-reveals-his-evil-plan is the funniest thing, because he’s in that stupid suit and he can’t walk very well. I mean, picture C-3PO with Dominic Keating’s head on, with a moustache on, walking clumsily around and trying to be sinister and whatnot. It’s not happening. CGI is awful, so that pretty much makes all the monster scenes painful to watch. The plot is ingenious, but it’s ruined by awful acting, scenes taking too long and crappy CGI. Also the steampunk potential is ruined, completely. But it’s a movie better than probably most (or all) Asylum movies, more like a SyFy movie. If you enjoy them, you’ll enjoy this.

More robot fighting

It’s Malcolm!

Stupid air balloon

Robot dragon who shoots rockets

Spring-Heeled Jack’s robot lover

Trailer