Silent Night, Deadly Night [1984]


  Those of us who love horror fiction know that horror films and Christmas have more in common than you would think. They both give you this warm and fuzzy feeling. And I’m not a retarded eyeliner wearing teen saying that violence and gore give me that warm and fuzzy feeling. What gives it is fear I guess. Like a little boy tells to the famous Italian nightmare detective Dylan Dog in one of the issues, “sometimes it’s nice to feel fear…that way you don’t think about the bad stuff.” Of course, it’s also the pure escapist entertainment of violence. But Christmas is escapist too, don’t you think? So, we have a christmas horror with small role by a legendary scream queen Linnea Quigley. Looks promising.

He got it all wrong.

  When Billy Chapman was a little boy he saw his parents (mom topless of course) murdered by a man dressed in Santa Clause, after he’s been told in a chilling opening sequence by his crazy grandpa that Santa Clause punishes bad kids. Severely. He was raised in an orphanage run by nuns, with a cruel Mother Superior, beating him for watching a girl having sex through a keyhole. He was watching through the keyhole, she was having normal non-keyhole sex. Keyhole sex, that would be like gloryhole sex for Asians.

He must’ve been naughty.

  Once he’s eighteen, he gets a job at the local toy market. All is fine (and we see that in a brilliant sequence of half funny half heartwarming scenes with no sound tied together with non-ironic usage of extremely cheesy songs) until he gets to wear the Santa Clause suit. Then, as you might have predicted, he feels like he must do Santa’s bidding and punish all the naughty ones. And yes, that means the ones who have sex. Mostly while they have sex.

Santa knows what they want.

  What a great movie this was. We have tits all through the movie. Billy’s mom shows tits, a girl at the orphanage shows tits, a colleague at the store shows them. Linnea Quigley shows them the whole time she’s in the movie. That’s only for a couple of minutes, but what minutes they are! She plays the babysitter who of course has her boyfriend over for sex on the pool table while the kid is sleeping. The gore is great too. Impalements, axe murders, decapitations, box-cutter stabbings, hammer bashing, you name it they have it, and top notch.

*pause* *unzip*

  Not all memorable scenes contain sex and violence. The two scenes I already mentioned, the most chilling opening scene with the crazy grandpa and the most funny music montage, and the short but effective scene where the woman screams off-camera and the camera shows some dead-eyed nutcrackers with their mouths opened. A few scenes like this, lot of tits, top notch quality gory violence are what makes this movie memorable. And let’s not forget the great unfortunately unreleased songs made exclusively for the movie. So if your for some sleazy fun this holiday season, I can not recommend it more heartedly.

Oh, if I could only find my drawing of Batmobile shooting a swastika.

Unfortunately from where I come from, keyholes are smaller.

He got to see some action and got spanked by a nun. Well, frankly Billy, I’m jealous.

And now bondage?! When I as his age, I was jerking of to music videos.

He gives big amounts of christmassy feeling to this movie since he has some Joe Pesci vibe to him. And Joe Pesci = Christmas.

Thank you, movie!

Unlike Black Christmas, this movie really has a great Christmas atmosphere.

Hammer time.

Imagine an army of archer Santa Clauses.

Yeah, that’d be great. Santas! Hold it! Hold it! Fire!

Linnea <3

That’s some grisly shit right here.

If Buzz from Home Alone and Sam from The Lord of the Rings had a child, this would be him.

On the one hand, the trailer shows a lot, on the other if you got here I spoiled everything for you already, so watch away.

2 Responses to “Silent Night, Deadly Night [1984]”

  1. anzipat ću te

  2. Keyhole sex, that would be like a gloryhole sex for Asians.


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