Zapi's Film BBQ

Inferno [1911]

Zapi — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 16:15:17 +0000

AKA L’Inferno. This is one of the first few feature length movies ever, second only to Charles Tait’s The Story of the Kelly Gang, though they were a few in between, but they were shown like serials, in chapters. Not sure, don’t bet on it. Based on the Dante Alighieri’s famous 14th century epic poem The Divine Comedy, more precisely on the first part, Inferno. I must resist the urge to talk about the poem more, assuming anyone can read surely knows a great deal about it.

Virgil (Arturo Pirovano) talking to Beatrice (Emilise Beretta)

But for the ones who are hearing this in the voice of Microsoft Sam, the poem tells the tale of Dante’s (played by Salvatore Papa) own descent into hell, which is divided into nine circles, each of the circles holding sinners guilty of a particular sin. Second circle holds the ones guilty of lust being thrown around by winds of a heavy storm, the third (guarded by Cerberus, a multi-headed hound) holds gluttons under the never ending icy rain, and so on. You get see people tumbling sacks of gold, being part of never ending fights, gurgling in swamps, others in river of boiling blood and fire, people transformed into trees, people transmuting into lizards before out very eyes, lakes of fire, demons, giants, fields of ice, etc. Wonders to see are too numerous to list without being extremely bored, not just moderately like you are now.

Mountains, with Dante (Salvatore Papa) and Vergil.

A phrase “loosely based on” get pasted over the Internet, but that’s not true actually, it’s a pretty fateful adaptation, circle by circle. Being like that, it lacks rhythm and a classic narrative structure, but you’d have to be an asshole to hold it against the filmmakers, movies being in their teen years and no feature films to look up to. Even more, the inter titles are almost brechtian, announceing what’s gonna happen next. What we get by movie following the poem closely is a showcase movie, giving not more then a couple of minutes to each circle. The only thing to hold against the plot are two or three scenes showing the sins of the sinners in their age, age being renaissance, which are not only boring, but break the flow and the atmosphere of the movie.

Charon beating naked men with a peddle.

You really can’t judge the acting, since camera is never anywhere near closing up on any one person. Special effects, if I may be an asshole, could be better, considering what Georges Méliès was doing before and at that time. Though, the scene where men change into lizards is pretty good. But what really could be better, since it predates the medium of film by centuries, are monster puppets, of Cerberus and Geryon. Cerberus looked really pathetic, like a stuffed roadkill. Geyron was little better, but he was shot horribly. The camera work was okay except for avoiding close ups, especially the occasional amazing depth of the field. I’m far from knowing shit about the silent movies, but I was impressed with the scene on Styx, with flaming City of Dis in the far background. All in all it looks great, pretty faithful to the beautiful engravings of Gustave Doré, on which the visual identity of the movie was based. Unfortunately, only men are fully frontally naked in this movie. I was holding my hand near my crotch for the duration of this movie, but tits are never to be seen.

I just need excuses to show naked men.

What I must mention is the new music they attached. The music by Tangerine Dream is absolutely preposterous, I muted the tone after a minute. The very idea is awful, I really can’t believe they did that. Anyway, if you’re into silent movies, I think you can’t miss with this one. It’s not Caligari or Nosferatu for sure, but being only an hour in length and let’s say fast paced, with out of this world imagery visualized decently by the special effects of the era. If you’re troubled by the complete silence (since you can’t be taking the new score into consideration) put something in the background, maybe Franz Liszt’s A Symphony to Dante’s Divine Comedy. Let me know if something works for you.

Soothing scene. The only one.

I gotta admit, I had to take my overdue copy of the book to identify this one. It’s Minos. I guess it wasn’t the Minotaur who ate all those people.

I wasn’t happy with the special effects in this scene.

Francesca da Rimini and Paolo Malatesta, best known for their depiction on Rodin’s sculpture The Kiss

Cerberus.

Never ending icy rain.

Monolith?!

The depth of the field is not seen on the still. Styx.

Some scene, don’t remember.

Geryon.

Another scene.

Devils.

Lizard people.

Bertran de Born.

Cain and Abel in the ice beneath the giants legs.

Ice!

In the background Lucifer chewing on Judas Iscariot.

The Black Raven [1943]

Zapi — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 15:58:11 +0000

An old dark house mystery, starring George Zucco, a character actor supposedly know for his sinister characters, but I saw nothing of that in Dr. Renault’s Secret. Directed by Sam Newfield, a director of legendary output of over two hundred and fifty movies, sometimes as much as twenty per year. He even used two pseudonyms, so they would hide the fact. In an interview, his son tells how the New York office of PCR, the poverty row studio that produced most of his movies at the time, not knowing the fact, called his brother, the head producer or something, in for the meeting, and said that Sam is good, but he should use Sherman Scott and especially Peter Stewart more, ’cause they are simply better. Scott and Stewart were of course Newfield’s pseudonyms. About his movies, Martin Scorsese said: “Newfield is hard, that’s a hard one, you can’t do too much of that.” because he often seems absolutely detached from the images that appear on the screen, as if he is an observer rather than a participant. And how he wouldn’t be considering the fact that most of the movies took less than a week to shoot. But being what it is and clocking at an hour, how bad can it be?

Heavy rain.

In an old in called The Black Raven a group of strangers incidentally meet, courtesy of hard weather outside, inn being near the Canadian border, which wants to be crossed by all of them, but can’t be because the bridge is flooded. Reminded of Dr. Renault’s Secret again? They also have to stay at the inn because the bridge is flooded. Anyways, The Black Raven is also the sexy and completely unsuitable criminal alias of the inn keeper, Amos Bradford (George Zucco). The guests obviously aren’t the best people themselves, since one is regularly in no hurry to cross the border. They are a gangster with a gangster’s name Mike Bardoni (Noel Madison), a jumpy office clerk with fifty thousand dollars in a suitcase, again suitably named Horace Weatherby (Byron Foulger), a couple waiting to be married and escaping the bride’s father, Lee Winfield and Allen Bentley(Wanda McKay and Robert Livingston), the father, an important politician Tim Winfield (Robert Middlemass), an escaped convict Whitey Cole (I. Stanford Jolley) and later on the sheriff of course, played by Charles Middleton. Last, but not least, is the servant Andy (Glenn Strange). Money has been stolen, and murders happen. Who did it?

Mike Bardoni (Noel Madison)

There are maybe three memorable moment’s, one being the funny talk between Weatherby and the bridge keeper, second being the moment when Tim Winfield bitchslaps Bentley and the force of the slap makes him hit the wall. The third one was the best, woman holding the sheriff, he escapes, Zucco trips him, his pistol fell, he picks it up, pistol falls again, he picks it up again and runs away. Weird scene, it wouldn’t be weird in a comedy, but here it is. Some other memorable moments may or may not have happened, but they were cloaked by the impenetrable darkness of the print. I saw mostly nothing of the action happening in the cellar, and the last scene where the mystery reveals was also unseen by me, but I think i managed to get who did it. That’s the biggest problem of the movie. If you want to see it, try to get the The Black & Blue Collection, where it stands besides two other movie, supposedly it has the brightest picture. The mystery itself was not really engaging, maybe because I don’t care.

Talk between Weatherby and the bridge keeper

Actors are mostly pretty good. George Zucco is pretty laid back, and doesn’t care what happens, just watches what happens. The later care for justice gives some discrepancy to his character. Nevertheless, I liked him better here, and I maybe begin to get his appeal. Wanda McKay was the classic unmemorable female character of the era, weak and useless, so I really couldn’t notice her. Noel Madison was a good gangster, not overdoing it too much, only a little. Charles B. Middleton was somewhat dumb and off-putting. Glenn Strange I liked the best, he was somewhat funny, and his presence alone is noticable. I can’t tell more about it, because like I said, you can’t really see the subtle acting which makes the actor good, because of the darkness.

Amos Bradford AKA The Sexy Raven (George Zucco)

Atmosphere is really good, with good weather effects considering the budget, the dark house being even darker, the “I don’t give a fuck, but I’m a little curious because I have nothing better to do” attitude of the innkeeper, constant unspecified reference to his criminal history, not suiting him now, everyone not being really alarmed about the murders, but in a way that’s almost intentional by the filmmaker. You really won’t miss anything if you don’t see it, but it’s never boring, the atmosphere is really great, actor are good, there’s some very dry comic relief. Also, fuck Martin Scorsese. This movie can reel you in with the atmosphere.

Horace Weatherby (Byron Foulger)

Allen Bentley and Lee Winfield (Robert Livingston and Wanda McKay)

Fap fap fap

O, hey there!

He goes clubbing.

He’s okay, but kind of a dick. Sheriff (Charles Middleton)

Zombie Women of Satan [2009]

Zapi — Sat, 19 Mar 2011 19:58:46 +0000

New low budget horrors are usually awful, only trying to be grindhouse but actually being pretty tame, moderate violence and especially nudity. And they have a lot of fucking bras. Brassieres, fuck you! I’d rather see a woman fully clothed, then see her wearing a bra while we should all pretend that she’s naked, only ’cause it was the filmmakers neighbor, so she wanted to show no tits. But I saw some stills from this movie and saw a lot of tits, some gore. Also, I saw that MPAA twats rated it for strong sexuality and nudity. The only thing they’re good for, checking if movie has tits. This poster is delicious, don’t you just love veiny tits? Actually, veins improve any body part, be that arm or penis or whatever. Only rectums are definitely not improved by big veins.

Burlesque dancer.

A circus troop made of an obnoxious, masturbating clown Pervo, a rock star, a strongman midget, a big mute guy who doesn’t do anything, another chick that doesn’t do anything and a cowboy who doesn’t do anything. What a troop! They go to this estate for an interview. On this estate a son and a father, with the help of two sisters/daughters, have a sanctuary for troubled girls, where the son is fucking them and the father is doing some experiments with them, turning them into zombies. The shit hits the fan when (check out this likely thing to happen) one of the zombie girls tied to the table drools blood into the punch accidentally being put there, which is later brought to all the other, not yet experimented on, girls. They go crazy, and that manifests in a very nice way. They maniacally tear their upper body garment, exposing their breasts. This should really because a standard of this otherwise dull horror sub genre.

Some chick.

Pervo the Clown (Warren Speed) is absolutely obnoxious, but in a slightly likable way, mainly because he reminds me of Lux Interior from The Cramps. He sports a white painted black leather jacket which peels itself throughout the movie, giving it a cool look; and he is a chronic masturbator, taking any excuse to go into the woods to jerk off. I can relate to that. The mute guy is dull, just like the rock star. The midget is cool, he shits a thirty pounds shit, falcon punches zombie chicks, uses frying pan as a weapon and generally is being ridiculed for being a midget. The bad guys are dull too, except maybe for the brother and the fucker of the operation. The whole family is incestuous, the mother is tied in the basement and repeatedly expresses her wish to be fucked by either the son or the father. Son respects that wish kinda, giving her definitely not a mother-son kiss. At one point father films his son fucking a zombie.

Some more chicks. In gas masks.

The movie is, like all other new indie low budget movies, kinda meta-referential. Why do I have to have the feeling that they know they’re in a movie? It’s irritating and kills the atmosphere. Which is not here anyway. There are no scary moments, funny moments or sexy moments, despite all the tits. The tits are all attached to ugly BBW women. I’m a kind person, and would never call a woman ugly just ’cause she’s fat. But you gotta see them faces, Jesus! Still, I enjoy watching them big saggy BBW tits. Jokes are not inspired by stuff happening around them, but completely random, unfunny, they are repeating themselves. Only good thing about this movie is gore. It’s really good, and there’s no CGI except in two scenes, not violence related.

Father’s lab.

This movie is better then most movies of it’s kind. But that’s not saying much, I rarely choose to watch these movies, usually the days when I jerk off to some fucked up porn, later asking myself “what have I done?” This movie will have the same effect. If you value your time at all, or if you want to watch a movie that will make you appreciate it on any level for any thing, don’t watch it. If you know you’re gonna watch some amateurish shit and will be bored throughout, watch it. I did, and got exactly what I knew I’m gonna get. You don’t know did I just recommend it or what? Do I like it? Neither do I.

The troop.

Stripping manifestation of the virus.

Decant gore.

More tits.

They must’ve picked all the extras on some metal concert.

I bet wasn’t much prettier when alive.

Midget with a frying pan. Sam?

Headshot.

Mute became a zombie. I couldn’t care less.

Preparing lunch.

I dig his jacket.

Tits are on screen throughout the movie.

Incestuous shoot I was talking about.

Oh my God, I spoiled it for you!

She also shoots acid milk from her breasts. If the whole movie was filled with this fun shit, it’d be much better.

Trailer.

Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile [1974]

Zapi — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 23:53:17 +0000

In 1960, a real murderer, a grave robber, supposedly a necrophile and a cannibal, Ed Gein was inspiration behind Norman Bates in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho. Fourteen years later a case of collective consciousness made two separate films, one being Tobe Hooper’ The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, another classic horror, and the other, less known and more truthful, Deranged, subtitled Confessions of a Necrophile in the USA. Bob Clark, the director of another horror classic and a personal favourite, Black Christmas, when asked to direct the film, refused, saying the script is too disturbing, and accepted only to produce it under a pseudonym. Also features effects by Tom Savini, who rose to some mainstream fame acting in Robert Rodriguez’ From Dusk Till Dawn and Planet Terror, but where’s he really good is makeup and special effects, working on George A. Romero’s Day of the Dead and more. You too hyped, or is it just me?

If I had to eat this kindergarden food…

Ezra Cobb (Roberts Blossom) is mommas boy. For ten years she’s been paralized he’s taking care of her, sleeping in front of her bedroom doors etc. When she dies, he pretends she’ll be back any time now, cleaning her room every day, keeping it just as is was. After a year, he can’t take it anymore, and he makes sure she’s back, but since it’s been a year, she’s badly decayed. But fortunetly, there will always be new, fresh graves to rob and bring momma first some skin and body parts, then some friends and later on even some new human furniture! Here are your ideas for the next Mother’s Day.

…I’d be puking blood too.

Unfortunately (or fortunately for moviegoers) his victims are not only corpses. Ma Cobb (Cosette Lee) was always making sure her son is not lost to a woman, preaching that all woman are dirty whores full of diseases, who just want his money, always quoting the bible for confirmation. “The wages of sin is gonorrhea, syphilis, and death!” says momma. But there’s one woman he can trust said momma to him on her deathbed, and that’s her old friend Maureen Selby (Marian Waldman), and if you were wondering why she can be trusted it’s cause she’s fat. He comes to her one evening for some spiritual session, where she contacts her late husband, and he commands through her to Ezra that he must make her a woman again. Ezra is happy to oblige and score some BBW pussy, that is until he remembered what momma always used to say. But still he likes the idea of it, so he searches for company of woman, and he finds it in the waitress Mary (Micki Moore). Will he finally get some pussy, or will his collection get some pussy?

Lookin’ good, Ma Cobb!

You see what I did there? It’s funny ’cause when the police searched Ed Gein’s house, they found nine vulvas in a shoe box. Sounds like a children’s song. Anyway, the atmosphere is pretty grizzly, even made me feel bad for watching it for the moment, though it has some subtly humorous moments, especially that session with moms fat friend Selby. The session is presented humorous, mind you. The dark humour is subtle enough to escape some viewers not familiar enough with the genre I think. The story is told pretty emotionally detached, filmmakers not wanting to judge. But aside from the occasional smile or chuckle, the atmosphere is, like I said, dark and pretty sick, especially the part where he takes care of her mother.

I love that face he makes.

We even grow to like Ezra Cobb, since his role was brilliantly played by Roberts Blossom. The faces he makes, the way he talks. He looks naive, good natured and even at the end of the movie it seems like he’s doing it only cause he thinks he need to. The real villain here is Ma Cobb, not on screen long enough (at least alive) for me to form any opinion on the actress. Her cock-craving fat friend Maureen Selby is played by the very lovable Marian Waldman, the sorority’s housemother from Bob Clark’s Black Christmas. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see her BBW tits, ’cause Ezra loses his shit. The waitress Mary is played by Micki Moore, who has the worse tanned skin, wears grandma panties and did not show boobs. Fun fact is that Harvey Keitel auditioned for the starring role. It’s funny to watch this movie and try to picture him doing all the stuff Ezra does. Blossom was a much better picks, by the way.

Beautiful, Savini, just beautiful.

It’s an almost perfect low budget horror with grisly atmosphere with a matching pacing and some subtle dark humour, a brilliant performance by Roberts Blossom, who really made every minute of the movie enjoyable. Not in a way you enjoy vanilla milk shake. The makeup of of the corpses is really good, thanks to the work of Tom Savini, only shame is that the goriest scene and the best indicator of his craftsmanship is a eyes gouging and brain removing scene cut in most prints, so it’s not beautifully remastered like the rest of the movie. On the other hand, it gives more of a grim feel to the scene. There are tits also, some beautiful bloody tits, so there’s pretty much everything one might expect from a movie like this. A real treat for anyone trying to fin for some gems hidden in the vaults of grindhouse cinemas.

Spiritual seance.

The waiteress Mary (Micki Moore).

Well, now I’ll never have to think again when asked the dream dinner scene question.

Sweet hands of a human taxidermist and grave robber.

I’m sure he would make them a size or two bigger once she’s preserved.

That’s Sally (Pat Orr). She loves animals, works at the local convenience store, and gets hanged from a hook and gutted.

I forget to mentioned she is hunted like an animal.

Violance and nudity is always a winning combination.

Don’t you agree? ‘Cause my friend down there sure does.

Trailer.

Yog: Monster from Space [1970]

Zapi — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 02:03:54 +0000

AKA Gezora, Ganime, Kameba: Kessen! Nankai no daikaijû. Absolutely awesome poster. Other posters are great too. But somehow I just know there is not gonna be any monster that big, no space fighting. It’s gonna be a guy in a rubber suit slowly stumbling around. Why am I even bothering? The picture is just too beautiful to pass. Directed by Ishirō Honda, the creator of Godzilla and Akira Kurosawa’s assistant director and sometimes more, allegedly directing some segments from Kurosawa’s Dreams.

Unmanned space probe with some crew room.

A space probe is sent to Jupiter to collect data, but on the way it gets intercepted by a blue space mist thing, gets taken over by it, turned around in place as if by hand, towards Earth. On Earth, it’s disappear is a mystery. Also, on Earth, our hero, the photographer, is in a plane, looking out of the window, and what does he see? A probe, falling through the clouds, down on Earth. Being a master geographer, he immediately marks it on a detailed map of the area he overflies. What’s that, you don’t carry detailed maps around at all times?

Our hero Taro Kudo (Akira Kubo). You see how I pretend to care about Japanese names?

He tells the crazy story to his editor, but he doesn’t believe him. Damn! But conviently some other agency hires him to come to an island to take some photos. The X which marks the island happens to be in the same place where his probe landing X is. A doctor, a gal and a suspicious anthropologist accompany him. Once on the island they get attacked by the monsters. Where do they come from? Will they ever stop? How can they be defeated?

The turtle monster, Gezora.

The first of the monsters they encounter is Gezora, a giant octopus monster. Although it’s a man in the suit, the feeling of hugeness is present. Unfortunetly, it has no cool things one would expect, like an ink attack, camouflage or autotomising limbs when attacked. It just walks around and crushes thing with tentacle pounds. The second monster is giant crab monster, Ganime. Looks cooler than Gezora, it’s coolness being cramped with retarded eyes. Also, features no cool thing a crab monster could do like not feel pain. Not even fucking pincer attack. He’s just bangs around like he has hammers. The third monster is Kameba, a giant turtle. Is ridiculously extends it’s neck and has a stupid sly smile on it’s face at all times. But it’s some stupid kind of turtle, again with no cool turtle stuff like retreating inside a shell. Why taking real animals if you ain’t gonna exploit their features?

The monsters are not so lame by themselves, but the irritatingly slow action is making me hate them. There are some funny moments like dumb falls and turtle vs. crab wrestling moves. The photography is rather beautiful, obviously remastered version. The island where it’s shot is also beautiful, making every shot pleasant to the eye. The characters are completely undeveloped, but maybe it’s just me because I can’t relate with Asians. Also, I watched it dubbed, so the people seem even less real. The movie actually has variety, scuba scenes, caves, bats, monsters, natives, natives’ witchdoctor, decent action, fire, explosions, guns, convenient volcano at the end, monster vs. men, monster vs. monster, possessions, alien voices from outer space. Despite all that it gets to be boring on several occasions, mostly when the awfully monsters are on screen.

The gang.

When you plan to see this movie, you know what you’re getting. Slow unspectacular monsters. Other than that genre standard (I think, I’ve seen only a few), production is great, beautiful location, variety of plot element, everything but monster fights is fast paced.

Cave.

Gezora.

I love this setting. Had Zombi 2 feeling from time to time.

Tracks on the beach.

Natives.

Scuba.

Ganime.

Action!

Kameba.

Bats!

Use the pincer, c’mon!

If this final fight was sped up, it would be great.

Kaiju bukkake.

Convenient volcano.

Mordor.

Trailer.

Calling Dr. Death [1943]

Zapi — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 00:13:32 +0000

First of the Inner Sanctum films based on a radio program of the same name, by Universal Pictures. Starring Lon Chaney, Jr. who I saw in Bert I. Gordon’s The Cyclops, where I enjoyed his performance. But that’s fourteen years later, and you know how it’s with character actors, they seem to get better with age and tend to have little of charisma when young. Also with J. Carrol Naish, a man I saw in Dr. Renault’s Secret and enjoyed his performance greatly.

The head in the crystal ball announcing the movie. They really didn’t need that.

Psychiatrist and hypnotist Dr. Mark Steel (Lon Chaney Jr.) who has a pencil thin mustache and slaps patients out of the hypnosis hates his wife Maria (Ramsay Ames). She married him for his money and is treating him badly and probably cheats on him. One Saturday around noon he finds out she’s gone for the weekend, gets pissed, gets in the car, drives around in the beautiful double exposure scene of him driving a car and some streetlights blinking, officers blowing their whistles and trains passing by. The next thing we and him know, he wakes up in the office, only to find out his wife got murdered, skull crashed and face burned with acid. Did he do it? Who did it?

Batman?

Thinking about it now, I could’ve known whodunit, but while I was watching the movie, I was kinda intrigued. Maybe because I’m the perfect viewer, the one who never thinks, just watches. The thing that could be a problem is that it’s no horror that’s for sure, but it’s not quite a mystery either, at least not stylistically. There is no classical narration, but we hear the doctor’s thinking quite a lot, and it’s quite good also, whispering. There are two things I remember the most. First is the double exposure scene I wrote about in the previous paragraph, and the other is how the weekend’s passing was shown with the calendar planner pages being turned. Those are the little thing you don’t see anymore and I love them.

Nurse and secretary Stella (Patricia Morison)

In the end, it all comes down to actors. With a good cast like this you can make any movie more than watchable. Lon Chaney Jr. did not gain his charisma later like I wrongly suspected, he got it even then. Though, he has something comical about him, and it’s not just those pencil thin mustache. Even better I enjoyed J. Carrol Naish’s performance as Inspector Gregg, who just seems like he knows everything, but not in an annoying manner. I can’t really put a finger on it, not a typical wisecracking inspector, but an inspired and played with ease performance. But why I could watch the movie again right away is Patricia Morison as Dr. Steel’s nurse and secretary. What a beautiful woman, refined and elegant beauty with a touch of sinister. And a good actress also. Only bad one was Ramsay Ames as Doctor’s wife Maria, a really bad actress but she was a pin-up girl so we forgive her.

Dr. Mark Steel (Lon Chaney Jr.)

Certanly not a horror movie, if you expect one, and not a headcracking mystery. But a movie with a cast like Lon Chaney Jr., J. Carrol Naish and Patricia Morison is too be enjoyed and I guarantee you that, especially since it clock barely over an hour. Also, you can see a vinyl recorder, something I though didn’t even exist.

Maria Steele (Ramsay Ames). There’ nothing more to see than her behind. And I think great tits, but I wasn’t sure, in that dress.

I took like fifty screenshots of her, but one has to choose.

Hypnosis.

We all thought the same, yes.

Okay, okay, enough of her.

Inspector Gregg doing some investigating.

Inspector Gregg (J. Carrol Naish)

Waiting in the dark.

Mmm.

Dr. Renault’s Secret [1942]

Zapi — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 12:02:25 +0000

An WW2 horror mystery with a really lame poser, cast and crew not ringing any bells. Movie is weirdly clocking at less then an hour, but I love that, the shorter the better, while still being a feature, of course. What’s unfortunate, if you try to find out anything about the movie on the Internet, you’ll surely know Dr. Renault’s secret before even watching the movie, since everyone’s comparing the movie to a certain work of literature. But what got me somewhat excited is that it was released in the Fox Horror Classics box alongside Joseph L. Mankiewicz’s Dragonwyck, a brilliant gothic film by a man who made the absolute classic All About Eve only four years later. Hope it’s in the box with a reason.

Lightning!

Dr. Larry Forbes (Shepperd Strudwick) arrives at the inn, waiting for Dr. Renault’s servant Noel (J. Carrol Naish), a seemingly retarded man barely able to talk, of Javanese heritage, to take him to the castle, where he is too marry Dr. Renault’s niece, Madelon (Lynne Roberts). But Rogell (Mike Mazurki), another one of Dr. Renault’s servants, an ex-convict of towering 1,96 meters, arrives at the inn too, telling them they can’t reach the castle tonight because the bridge is flooded, creating a Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Franz Kafka’s The Castle atmosphere. After Dr. Forbes and another guest mix the room, the other guest gets killed. Who killed him? Was he the real target? What’s Dr. Renault’s secret?

From left to right, Noel (J. Carrol Naish), Dr. Larry Forbes (Shepperd Strudwick) and another guest.

The story gets your attention though you pretty much know who did it, but that’s not the big mystery, the title secret is. Only shame about that secret is the way it’s reveled, not through flashback but through pictures and text in doctor’s notebook and narration. It would be pretty exciting if it was in flashbacks, but it’s a B production, so it’s understandable. B meaning inexpensive or a minor project, not bad. Really, I couldn’t find any flaws to the production. Cinematography is good, lightning not spectacular, but pleasant with shadow play.

Rogell (Mike Mazurki)

Only four of the actors were credited. J. Carrol Naish as Noel was brilliant in this unrewarding and tricky role, playing it without any ironic detachment, but never silly or ridiculous. I can’t be any more specific because I don’t wanna spoil. George Zucco as the sinister Dr. Renault was not sinister and was pretty boring. Shepperd Strudwick and Lynne Roberts were probably famous for their good look at the time, because have no quality. Mike Mazurki is great, with a scary face, a booming voice and great height, great may-be-villain. Arthur Shields as Inspector Duval was fun to watch, a perfect slimy inspector.

Inspector Duval (Arthur Shields)

Really cool mystery movie with a twist, were could be lacking in plot makes up in enjoyable performances, especially by Mr. Naish, and in running time of only fifty five minutes. I’d prefer it over any episode of a TV series, if you don’t have time to watch the usual length feature movie.

It’s funny ’cause it’s bestiality.

The eye.

Madelon (Lynne Roberts)

Delightful scene.

With time I learn to enjoy off screen happenings.

Aaaaaa!

Contains spoilers.

Icarus XB 1 [1963]

Zapi — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 15:39:45 +0000

AKA Ikarie XB-1 A Czechoslovakian pre-Star Trek and Pre-2001: A Space Odyssey science fiction film based on a novel by Stanislaw Lem, the author of Solyaris. And not a comedy! I was lead to believe by my mother and Jirí Menzel that Czechs made only comedies. Even more, it’s supposed to feature no monsters from outer space and other trashy stuff most science fiction films of the era were made of, at least American and Japanese.

I was always a sucker for these end of the hall shots.

In 22nd century men and women are on their way to the mysterious White Planet in the Centaurus constellation, orbiting Alpha Centauri. On their way they deal with adapting to life in a spaceship, health and mental problems of the crew and encountering a mysterious spaceship and a dark star which might or might not have effect on the crew.

Space station.

I really don’t want to say anything more about the plot in fear of spoiling it, and that would be a shame because it’s a really good movie. All these plot element I brought up are smoothly put together, avoiding the feeling of chapters but still having the classic narrative structure. The mysterious ship and the dark star give the movie, which starts on a lighter note, a feeling of dread and uncertainty of the unknown, with adaptation, health and mental issues letting us know the characters, making us sympathize with them and finally giving a fuck about them as a whole.

It’s hard to put funny or witty comment on quality movies.

As I brilliantly predicted it’s a serious science fiction movie, serious not meaning hard science fiction nor irritating grave tone most modern serious science fiction have, simply a smart movie. Though some nitpicks might complain how are they supposed to reach a planet near Alpha Centauri distanced approximately four light years from here in twenty eight months, traveling at near light speed, the screenwriters payed attention to some non-plot device details like heightened gravity at the lift off, causing people to sweat, or the twin paradox, which concerns the wife of an astronaut.

An old 21st century robot.

The actors all did a really good job, and their parents did a really good job too, since all the men are charismatic and all the woman are good looking. The special effects, set design, suit design, everything is pretty impressive for that era movie, especially coming from Czechoslovakia, where they probably didn’t have Hollywood budgets. The music, though scarce, was pretty interesting, some kind of early sixties electronic music which I wouldn’t know hot to classify. The movie is shot in beautiful Techniscope widescreen, in black and white, despite what you might find on the Internet, coming from some old books.

Spaceship gym.

All in all, I would heartedly recommend this to anyone, especially to science fiction fan. Just a warning. When obtaining the movie, be sure to get the original Czech version, since the American version imported by the kind infamous Samuel Z. Arkoff’s American International Pictures is not only dubbed but also heavily cut. Just look at that awful trailer completely misrepresenting the otherwise sophisticated and smart science fiction film.

She’s beautiful.

It’s really beautifully shot also.

The design is pretty sixties sci-fi, but more refined.

Beautiful space suits.

I always take some close up screenshots, but theres more to it.

There’s some space “action” too.

My mom never wanted to buy me those sneakers which light up when you walk.

Ship plating.

Space food is not only pills.

The bridge. Though, there was no report to the bridge line.

You can see she’s troubled, but there’s no Hollywood melodrama. Gotta find more movies with her.

Just for those who saw the movie. AIP import trailer where they fucked up the movie with dubbing and huge cuts. And even then, it completely misrepresents the movie.

Silent Night, Deadly Night [1984]

Zapi — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 20:08:40 +0000

Those of us who love horror fiction know that horror films and Christmas have more in common than you would think. They both give you this warm and fuzzy feeling. And I’m not a retarded eyeliner wearing teen saying that violence and gore give me that warm and fuzzy feeling. What gives it is fear I guess. Like a little boy tells to the famous Italian nightmare detective Dylan Dog in one of the issues, “sometimes it’s nice to feel fear…that way you don’t think about the bad stuff.” Of course, it’s also the pure escapist entertainment of violence. But Christmas is escapist too, don’t you think? So, we have a christmas horror with small role by a legendary scream queen Linnea Quigley. Looks promising.

He got it all wrong.

When Billy Chapman was a little boy he saw his parents (mom topless of course) murdered by a man dressed in Santa Clause, after he’s been told in a chilling opening sequence by his crazy grandpa that Santa Clause punishes bad kids. Severely. He was raised in an orphanage run by nuns, with a cruel Mother Superior, beating him for watching a girl having sex through a keyhole. He was watching through the keyhole, she was having normal non-keyhole sex. Keyhole sex, that would be like gloryhole sex for Asians.

He must’ve been naughty.

Once he’s eighteen, he gets a job at the local toy market. All is fine (and we see that in a brilliant sequence of half funny half heartwarming scenes with no sound tied together with non-ironic usage of extremely cheesy songs) until he gets to wear the Santa Clause suit. Then, as you might have predicted, he feels like he must do Santa’s bidding and punish all the naughty ones. And yes, that means the ones who have sex. Mostly while they have sex.

Santa knows what they want.

What a great movie this was. We have tits all through the movie. Billy’s mom shows tits, a girl at the orphanage shows tits, a colleague at the store shows them. Linnea Quigley shows them the whole time she’s in the movie. That’s only for a couple of minutes, but what minutes they are! She plays the babysitter who of course has her boyfriend over for sex on the pool table while the kid is sleeping. The gore is great too. Impalements, axe murders, decapitations, box-cutter stabbings, hammer bashing, you name it they have it, and top notch.

*pause* *unzip*

Not all memorable scenes contain sex and violence. The two scenes I already mentioned, the most chilling opening scene with the crazy grandpa and the most funny music montage, and the short but effective scene where the woman screams off-camera and the camera shows some dead-eyed nutcrackers with their mouths opened. A few scenes like this, lot of tits, top notch quality gory violence are what makes this movie memorable. And let’s not forget the great unfortunately unreleased songs made exclusively for the movie. So if your for some sleazy fun this holiday season, I can not recommend it more heartedly.

Oh, if I could only find my drawing of Batmobile shooting a swastika.

Unfortunately from where I come from, keyholes are smaller.

He got to see some action and got spanked by a nun. Well, frankly Billy, I’m jealous.

And now bondage?! When I as his age, I was jerking of to music videos.

He gives big amounts of christmassy feeling to this movie since he has some Joe Pesci vibe to him. And Joe Pesci = Christmas.

Thank you, movie!

Unlike Black Christmas, this movie really has a great Christmas atmosphere.

Hammer time.

Imagine an army of archer Santa Clauses.

Yeah, that’d be great. Santas! Hold it! Hold it! Fire!

Linnea <3

That’s some grisly shit right here.

If Buzz from Home Alone and Sam from The Lord of the Rings had a child, this would be him.

On the one hand, the trailer shows a lot, on the other if you got here I spoiled everything for you already, so watch away.

Mega Piranha [2010]

Zapi — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 17:03:56 +0000

A movie produced by The Asylum for SyFy with giant mutated piranhas. How can this not be fun? The movie poster says they are created to save mankind. How the fuck can giant piranha save mankind? From who? Besides that the poster is epic, as you can see. I also wondered who Tiffany is. I can’t possibly remember, but she was a shitty (listening to Greatest Hits album as I write) pop singer in the 80s. Twenty years later she posed naked (watching the scans as I write) for Playboy. We have a playboy cover girl here, fuck yeah!

First scene and tits. Looks promising.

When piranhas eat the boat containing a fat US diplomat and naked chicks in Venezuela, the government send special agent Jason Fitch (Paul Logan) to investigate. There he meets a scientist Sarah Monroe (Tiffany) who tells him what the fuck happened, and General Diaz (David Labiosa). he of course doesn’t believe it at first, and when he does, he bombs the shit out of the river, destroying couple of villages, but he has a big cigar and it’s Venezuela, so I guess that’s ok.

Saggy tits, but tits nevertheless.

But the catch is the fish gets bigger and bigger exponentially. Before you know it, they are jumping out of the river, hitting the buildings and exploding, impaling them selfs on antennas. Later on, they get to the sea, adapt to the sea water, survive the nuclear attack, eat battleships and helicopters. But then Jason Fitch stops all that with the stupidest thing in the movie. Spoilers ahead, but who cares, right?

Is this how an important US diplomat looks like?

Early in the film he gets attacked by piranhas, he stabs one with a knife and all of them eat her. Stupid, but ok. At the end, after they tried everything, Jason blows up the helicopter one piranha was holding in the mouth, and now injured, she gets eaten by the other fish. And that’s the ending, they are all happy because they now defeated the piranhas. What the fuck? Was that the leader piranha, and now the moral is so bad that they will retreat? Two days later and I’m still impressed by how fucking retarded that is. But I wonder little less, after I’ve read the interview with the director. The guy’s mentally challenged, and I’m sure of that.

She contemplates her downfall in the last 15 years.

The most annoying thing except for the awful CGI is the shaky camera. In this making of clip you can see the motherfucker shaking that camera furiously. Also, you can’t see these piranhas clearly almost never. Tiffany is a bad actor, she looks really bad. Not that she’s got a few ponds extra, but she looks so not taken care of. It’s depressing, watching her here, like this, knowing that she was a platinum sales pop star. All other characters are completely miscasted, with the lamest people imaginable. Except for Paul Logan. That guy rocks. He has the most macho voice there is, and he’s not faking it I think. Maybe he acts like a rock, but he looks good (as in appropriate for the role, of course) and has the voice.

Yes, they did that.

The plot holes are enormous, but no one really cares for that in this kind of movie. The movie is stupid like all other Asylum movies, but being a SyFy movie also, I’m not happy. SyFy movies have this special chamber atmosphere I love about them, and this one doesn’t. Nevertheless, everyone knows what can be found in a movie like this, and if you want it, watch it.

Ha ha! Stupid soldiers!

Adventure!

It’s a piranha.

“This fish has at least hald a dozen new organs! Look! Two hearts, triple thick skin and is a hermafrodite!”

Lamest interface ever.

Kamikaze.

Now imagine this in motion. Looping twenty times. Beautiful.

They swim.

Badass underwater gun.

I find this picture soothing.

You can find the trailer yourself, though I don’t recommend it. But this shit you gotta see.